dose of reality #4

Mother Breast-feeding her Baby. Platinum print, c. 1900.
Louis Fleckenstein, photographer. Amsterdam, Rijksmuseum.

when
i was pregnant
with wee grub
i was not sure
how i would feel
about breastfeeding.
i am not
a person who is
very comfortable
with my body.
i am a bit shy,
perhaps a bit prudish.
i knew that
i would breastfeed
if i could
because i believe
that it is best for the baby
if it is possible
for the mother
to breastfeed.
but i thought
it would be pretty weird-
something feeding
on me
like a little parasite.


from babies in paris via a cup of jo  (joanna goddard).

what surprised me
was how natural
and good it felt to me.

the night vee was born,
even after
all the trauma
i had gone through,
when i took
her in my arms
the first
thing i wanted
to do was cuddle her
and feed her.
my instincts overwhelmed
everything else.

i am not saying
it was easy at first
by any means...
i fed her wrong
the few times
and developed a crevasse,
or crack on the nipple,
and it was very painful
for quite some time.
further,
i was severely anemic
for days
after her birth
and had trouble
producing milk.


on the way home from murten. 09 october 2011.

even with
all that against me
i was lucky
because after
persevering
i was able
to feed her.
after
4 or 5 weeks
everything
was going
very well.

i did not realize
how wonderfully
cozy and sweet
it was to
breastfeed-
an intense closeness
that i was not expecting.

i know that
i am lucky.
many woman that
i know
(including my own mother)
had a very difficult time
breastfeeding
or could not
breastfeed at all.
since i sometimes feel
like i was deprived
of a normal
childbirth experience
at least i have this...


basel, 31 october 2011.

so when vee
started
rejecting breastfeeding
around 8 months
i was hurt...
i kept trying
but vee simply refused.
she would only
feed
in the morning
or in the evening
when she was very sleepy.
it was hard to adjust.
i tried
not to take it personally
but it was both
emotionally hard
and physically hard
(now i had to pump more often).



burgers in lausanne,  april 2012

for the last
2-3 months
i only breastfeed
in the morning
and sometimes
when she is very
tired
at night or
in the afternoons.
otherwise i pump.
my milk supply
has slowly been dwindling.
i worried
my days of feeding her
were numbered.


lena corwin  via momfilter

recently
it arose
that i should
go to mexico
for a week or two
for research.
we had some experiments
that needed
to be run early in the season
before
grub, wee grub, and i
move there
in november.
vee was not even
a year old.
i really did not
want to go.

i knew vee
would be
fine...
she would miss me
(i hope)
but she had her dad
and he would take
good care of her
(he does every day
while i work)...
my biggest reservation
was that if i leave her
for a week
she probably
will quit breastfeeding
all-together.
i realized
that
i was not ready
for that.
how strange to think
that i was more about me
than about her...


Migrant agricultural worker's family. Seven hungry children.  Mother aged thirty-two. 
Nipomo, California. 1936.  Dorothea Lange, photographer. Library of Congress.

i hemed and hawed
about going
(my boss said it was up to me)...
half of me
was logical.
i knew that
i should go for research...
grub reminded me
that a man in the same situation
would have to
leave his child for a week
and no one would give him leeway
to stay at home with his child.
i have an obligation
to the family,
as the breadwinner,
to do the best possible job
that i can do
to insure a better future for us
(research = publications = job).
i knew,
deep down,
that vee
would be just fine.

then the other half of me,
the emotional mother half,
could not bear
to be apart from her
even for a week.
some friends of mine,
who are also working mothers,
said they would not go
if they were me.

i felt condemned
to the
bad mother
role again...



i thought about it
for a long time.

i thought about
my role
as a mother,
as a provider,
and
my career.
i also thought
about
my obligation
to my boss and advisor
who has always
been supportive
and understanding
about
balancing
career and motherhood.

no one was
making me go.

i finally decided
that i should go.

only for a week-
but go
and try
to make the best of it.
i was being selfish
by staying.
some day
i can tell vee
about the hard
decisions
we must make
as women
balancing our lives
as mothers
and our lives
as working people.
i will not always
make the best decisions
but i will always
make them
with
our family''s future
in mind.

i am
anxious
but certain
that this is,
in part,
the example
i want to
set for
my daughter.

 
Beatrice Baxter Ruyl feeding Ruth Ruyl. 1905. 
F. Holland Day, photographer.Library of Congress.

xo