dose of reality #5

re·sil·ient /riˈzilyənt/
adjective:
(of a person or animal) 
able to withstand 
or recover quickly 
from 
difficult conditions.




vee will have
eye surgery
tomorrow morning.

s u r g e r y.

to say
that
i am in a controlled state
of panic tonight
would be
an understatement.

they tell me
that the surgery
is routine
but that is
of no comfort
to me.

let me explain.



i have not had
a good experience
at hospitals here.
it may be a fluke
but
it is my reality.

everything that
could have gone wrong
with me
during vee's birth
pretty much went wrong.
despite that
vee was resilient.
she pulled through.

the worse part
of my whole hospital ordeal
was the feeling
of being
out of the loop-
out of control.
they did not tell us
anything
until
we were in the middle of it.
they made several
poor decisions.
the language barrier
and
our inability
to clearly communicate
with everyone
compounded the problem.
i worry
that something
similar
could happen with vee.



i remember
the medical team
running
down the corridors
to the operation room
with me on the gurney
for my emergency cesarean...
the epidural finally beginning
to make me lucid enough
to realize
that we may
lose our wee grub.
i remember
praying
with every ounce
of consciousness,
please let 
my baby make it. 
i don't care if i do 
but please god 
let my baby make it.



i can't tell you
how
many
times
these past 10+ months
i have put my hand
gently on her
in the middle of the night
to make sure
she is breathing
and
a brief moment
of panic
subsides
as i feel her belly
rise
and fall.



during
the past months
of appointments
and examinations
i began
to feel a bit better
about medical treatment...
but in may
when the doctor said
it was time
to schedule the operation
i felt sick to my stomach
as the reality set in.



grub and i believe that
this is the right decision.
since then
i have heard children
(and sometimes even adults)
say insensitive things
about her eyes
when they see her.
this has only cemented
my resolve.



it does not lessen
my fear
and
my distrust
of the medical system.
i am trying to be positive.
i am trying not to choke.




i know
many many
parents
have gone through
far worse.
my heart
aches for them.
i understand
this fear and panic
is part of
the amazing love
and joy
of parenthood.

i know that
vee
is wise
and
stronger
than i am.
that keeps
me going.
i am sure
that her strength
will carry
all three of us
through
anything...



please
keep vee
in your thoughts
and/or prayers
tomorrow.

xo