dose of reality #5

re·sil·ient /riˈzilyənt/
adjective:
(of a person or animal) 
able to withstand 
or recover quickly 
from 
difficult conditions.




vee will have
eye surgery
tomorrow morning.

s u r g e r y.

to say
that
i am in a controlled state
of panic tonight
would be
an understatement.

they tell me
that the surgery
is routine
but that is
of no comfort
to me.

let me explain.



i have not had
a good experience
at hospitals here.
it may be a fluke
but
it is my reality.

everything that
could have gone wrong
with me
during vee's birth
pretty much went wrong.
despite that
vee was resilient.
she pulled through.

the worse part
of my whole hospital ordeal
was the feeling
of being
out of the loop-
out of control.
they did not tell us
anything
until
we were in the middle of it.
they made several
poor decisions.
the language barrier
and
our inability
to clearly communicate
with everyone
compounded the problem.
i worry
that something
similar
could happen with vee.



i remember
the medical team
running
down the corridors
to the operation room
with me on the gurney
for my emergency cesarean...
the epidural finally beginning
to make me lucid enough
to realize
that we may
lose our wee grub.
i remember
praying
with every ounce
of consciousness,
please let 
my baby make it. 
i don't care if i do 
but please god 
let my baby make it.



i can't tell you
how
many
times
these past 10+ months
i have put my hand
gently on her
in the middle of the night
to make sure
she is breathing
and
a brief moment
of panic
subsides
as i feel her belly
rise
and fall.



during
the past months
of appointments
and examinations
i began
to feel a bit better
about medical treatment...
but in may
when the doctor said
it was time
to schedule the operation
i felt sick to my stomach
as the reality set in.



grub and i believe that
this is the right decision.
since then
i have heard children
(and sometimes even adults)
say insensitive things
about her eyes
when they see her.
this has only cemented
my resolve.



it does not lessen
my fear
and
my distrust
of the medical system.
i am trying to be positive.
i am trying not to choke.




i know
many many
parents
have gone through
far worse.
my heart
aches for them.
i understand
this fear and panic
is part of
the amazing love
and joy
of parenthood.

i know that
vee
is wise
and
stronger
than i am.
that keeps
me going.
i am sure
that her strength
will carry
all three of us
through
anything...



please
keep vee
in your thoughts
and/or prayers
tomorrow.

xo

dose of reality #2

you will
hurt your baby.

no matter
how hard
you try
at some point
you will do
something that
directly
injures your baby.

it
will be
traumatic.

my day happened
early in february...

vee's fingernails
grow fast
and i use
a pair of
baby scissors
to trim them
but
they do
a piss poor job.
one morning
i was tired
of her grabbing
hunks of my flesh
with her talons...
enough is enough.
i grabbed the
baby nail clippers
that i was afraid
to use
(for fear of hurting her)
and started
to clip
her nails.
i think that
i only got
through
two nails before
i clipped
a chunk of the top
of her finger
with the clippers.
she cried out.
i saw blood.
i was
h o r r i f i e d.
i ran
to get band-aids.
i quickly
bandaged her
injured finger.
there was
a lump
in my throat
and was
on the verge
of tears.
grub told me
to keep calm-
vee was
more freaked
by my behavior
then she was
by her injury.
she seemed fine.
i was traumatized.
i could not
look at her
poor finger
without
feeling like
the worst
person in
the world.

when i emailed
my friends
the photo
i was surprised
by their reactions:

my friend
annemarie said:

ah, now you are a real parent!
every parent has to clip
a baby-finger once in their life.
it is part of the initiation-ritual...
welcome to parenthood!
-annemarie
who has done the same thing,
and so has martijn [her husband]...

martha
chimed in:

that seems to happen to everyone ....
marcin [her husband] hurt luca [their child]
clipping his nails when he was a baby,
and has never done it since
he is still traumatized by it).
i am the nail clipper...

i thought
that i
was the
only horrible mom
that
had done such
a heinous thing.
it was a great
comfort
to know that
i was not alone.

. . . . .

grub made jokes
for weeks
about how
i was not
allowed
to touch
his daughter
because
i had
clipped her...

well,
his turn
came a week ago.
he was zipping
vee into
her bear suit
and got some
of her skin
caught in
the zipper.
boy did
she howl.
it left
a big red mark
on her neck
for days.
it made grub
feel awful.

so we
have been
initiated
into parenthood.
since then
i have heard
of all
the accidental
injuries
our friends
have inflicted
on their kids.
looks like
this is just
the beginning.
oh poor vee!



we are
so sorry vee.
xoxo
love,
your parents

dose of reality #1

it's 4am
and
ironically
i am up
because
i cannot sleep.
i am worried
about vee.
so i figured
this would
be a good time
to catch up
on
the last
2 weeks
of vee
in mexico.

vee has been
sick for over
a week now.
we have had
the parenthood fun
of already visiting
a doctor in
another foreign
country.
i won't go
into
too much detail
but suffice
as to say
she caught a virus
and has had
an upset stomach.
in almost
every way
she seems fine...
she is good spirits
and seems
hydrated enough
but
her diaper
tells
a different
story,
if you know
what i mean.

parenthood
is a lot
about worrying
i have discovered.
i was
already
a master
in the worrying
department
so you can
imagine
it has now kicked
into overdrive.
you find yourself
worrying
that
everything
you do is
somehow
going to have
an adverse effect
on your baby.
you make
a mistake
and feel like
you are failing
your child.
you feel like
a bad mother.
i feel that
every day.

i am constantly
amazed how much
unsolicited advice
we get
about parenting.
people are constantly
telling us
what we should be doing.
what we are doing wrong.
i feel this
the most
poignantly
here in mexico.

we shouldn't put
a fan on vee
to keep her cool.

we should feed her
coconut water
to keep her hydrated.

we shouldn't
take her out
during the day
because
it's too hot.

and on
and on...

my friend deb
made a good point.
what parents need most
is reassurance,
not your advice.
they need to be told
that they
are doing a good job.
that they are
good parents
because most parents
are trying
their damnedest
to take the best
care of their children.
they make mistakes
but somehow
their children survive.
i know that
i need
that reassurance
from time to time.



breastfeeding
has been
really, really
hard here.
first,
vee is sick
so she needs
to keep hydrated
which means
i need to give her
more milk.
add onto that
that
i am dealing with
a hot climate,
breastfeeding,
and trying
to work
while i am here.
it's hard to pump
when you have
only a few
precious hours
to work
before it gets
too hot.
it's embarrassing
(i know that
it shouldn't be
but it is)
to tell
a bunch of mexican guys
that
you have to go off
for half an hour
while they are working
hard
to pump milk.
they already
treat me differently
because
i am a white woman
plus
my spanish
is currently
almost nonexistent
so i cannot
really talk to
most of them
to give them
some sense
of who i am.

i have pumped
sitting on a bucket
in the middle
of a mosquito
infested fields
i have pumped
in the truck
on the side
of mexican highways.
i have
not been able
to pump because
i forgot
extra batteries
or some piece of equipment
because i was
so tired at 5am
i didn't pack everything.
i have wanted
to burst
into tears
right
there
in the truck
in the middle of nowhere
because i failed
my daughter
who needs
that extra milk
so desperately.
i have not been
able to go to work
because
vee drank
all my extra milk
in the middle of the night.

i am not
writing
all this
because
i want a pity party.
i just
want to be
honest
about
how tough
it can be
so other mothers
don't somehow
get the picture
that
i am magically
juggling
all of this
with some sort
of grace and ease.
i am not.
i am struggling.
but
i am determined.

with
all that said
i still don't
regret
this trip
to mexico
with vee.
i hope that
we can look
back at photos
with her
and tell her
amusing stories.
it's been amazing
experience
so far.
the good
and the bad.

but
i am
still up
when i should
be sleeping
overwhelmed
by worry
and anxiety
about mistakes
i am making
in parenting her.

i suppose
when you
love someone
with every
ounce of
your being,
it's inevitable
that you feel this way.



well,
this is
me at 4am.
it deserves
a place
on this blog
with all
the glamorous
wee grub
sunset on the beach
photos.
at least
i think it does.
if you
have gotten
this far,
thank you
for
reading it.

xo