11 months

this month
has been a big one
for little vee.

she has gone from
a baby
to almost
a toddler
in a few weeks.

and
she had her
eye operation.



thank you all
for your
positive thoughts
and prayers.
the eye operation
went very well.
the parents
were more
traumatized
than vee.
she is always
a trooper.
she cries
very little
and charms
everyone
with her big smile
and easy-going nature.
the nurses
all called her
gentile.



the day after surgery
she was almost
back to normal.
the most traumatic
thing for vee
was getting eyedrops
post-operation
three times a day.



the improvement
is striking.
her eyes
are still not
perfectly aligned
but they are
much improved.
we hope they
will continue
to improve
now that they are
more aligned.

. . . . . . . . . . .



this month
vee was really
on
the
move...



she took her
first ferry ride
around lake neuchatel.
. . .



and she became
a more active
crawler...
. . .



but really
she just wants to walk.
she gets
very frustrated
after a little while
when
she is sitting
and playing
quietly
in the middle
of our living room.



she starts squawking
(grub calls it chirping)
and that means
she is ready
to get up
and walk!

she uses
her little cart:


(first day of using cart)

we often go down
to the lake
and let her
walk around
on the grass:



although
she is often
distracted.

when our friends
deb & maria
were in town
(more on that later)
vee took her
very first hike.
although
she slept
through most of it.



as she becomes
more mobile
her personality
shows through
more and more.

she is moving
from
being our
cute & cuddly
baby vee
to
a little person
who has
definite likes
and dislikes
and places
she wants
to go!

. . . . . . . . . . .



every month
when i write
these updates
i realize
how fast
little vee
in changing.

each month
it is more fun
to watch her
discover her world.



xo

dose of reality #5

re·sil·ient /riˈzilyənt/
adjective:
(of a person or animal) 
able to withstand 
or recover quickly 
from 
difficult conditions.




vee will have
eye surgery
tomorrow morning.

s u r g e r y.

to say
that
i am in a controlled state
of panic tonight
would be
an understatement.

they tell me
that the surgery
is routine
but that is
of no comfort
to me.

let me explain.



i have not had
a good experience
at hospitals here.
it may be a fluke
but
it is my reality.

everything that
could have gone wrong
with me
during vee's birth
pretty much went wrong.
despite that
vee was resilient.
she pulled through.

the worse part
of my whole hospital ordeal
was the feeling
of being
out of the loop-
out of control.
they did not tell us
anything
until
we were in the middle of it.
they made several
poor decisions.
the language barrier
and
our inability
to clearly communicate
with everyone
compounded the problem.
i worry
that something
similar
could happen with vee.



i remember
the medical team
running
down the corridors
to the operation room
with me on the gurney
for my emergency cesarean...
the epidural finally beginning
to make me lucid enough
to realize
that we may
lose our wee grub.
i remember
praying
with every ounce
of consciousness,
please let 
my baby make it. 
i don't care if i do 
but please god 
let my baby make it.



i can't tell you
how
many
times
these past 10+ months
i have put my hand
gently on her
in the middle of the night
to make sure
she is breathing
and
a brief moment
of panic
subsides
as i feel her belly
rise
and fall.



during
the past months
of appointments
and examinations
i began
to feel a bit better
about medical treatment...
but in may
when the doctor said
it was time
to schedule the operation
i felt sick to my stomach
as the reality set in.



grub and i believe that
this is the right decision.
since then
i have heard children
(and sometimes even adults)
say insensitive things
about her eyes
when they see her.
this has only cemented
my resolve.



it does not lessen
my fear
and
my distrust
of the medical system.
i am trying to be positive.
i am trying not to choke.




i know
many many
parents
have gone through
far worse.
my heart
aches for them.
i understand
this fear and panic
is part of
the amazing love
and joy
of parenthood.

i know that
vee
is wise
and
stronger
than i am.
that keeps
me going.
i am sure
that her strength
will carry
all three of us
through
anything...



please
keep vee
in your thoughts
and/or prayers
tomorrow.

xo

8 months

each month
it is getting
more difficult
to keep up
with vee.

she has
had
so many
firsts...
we have
been
so busy
that
i have neglected
to get posts up
as fast as
it is necessary
to properly document
her constant
changes!

the past
three months
have been
a blast-
it is so much fun
to be around
our
ever more
curious
vee-ster.

. . . .

although
she has
little interest
in crawling
she wants
to stand.
she is always
trying
to expand
her zone of access.
apparently
she is more interested
in what is
up
rather than
what is
across the room.






she loves
to push the furniture
around the room
but still
does not
move
one foot
in front
of the other
without
a lot of coaxing.

my mother said
i walked before
i was 1 year old.
at the rate
vee is moving
i am sure she will too.



. . . . . . . .

at vee's last
eye doctor appointment
in april
we were told
to increase
the amount of time
vee had to wear
the patch
from 1 to 2 hours.
uggg.



she does not like
to wear the patch
(no surprise there).
grub has been
incredibly patient
and
dedicated...
he took her
for long walks
when she rubbed
her eyes,
got cranky,
and nothing
else would work.



he persisted...
and
thanks to
her bueno papa
her weak eye has
improved immensely
(more on that
in a later post).

. . . . . . . .



the weather
has warmed up
so we
have been out
on more
walks and picnics.
we are looking
forward
to a lot
of apéros
by the lake
together...
hopefully
vee will tolerate
some hiking
around
switzerland
this summer.

. . . . . . . .




the super
exciting news
for us
was the emergence
of vee's first tooth
on may 10th.
grub discovered it
when
she chomped
on his finger
and
he felt
the sharp pain
of
something
like
a tiny piece
of broken glass.
lo & behold
a little tooth
had broken
the skin.
she was
very tough...
and had
only been
a little cranky
considering
the pain
she
must have been
experiencing.

. . . . . . . .



this month
vee & i
had our first
mother's day
together.

. . . . . . . .

vee
met some
of her family...

her uncle joe
visited in april.




then
her tante oma elsa
and uncle brian
visited
in may.

she loved
her tante oma!


(cute outfit from her tante oma ella)

here is vee
with her
tante oma
and
uncle brian.



. . . . . . . .

not a day
passes when
i do not think
to myself
how lucky
i am to have
such a strong
and amiable
little girl.

life started for us
pretty traumatically
but she has
taken everything
in stride
from her strabismus
to traveling all over,
to the pains
of growing up
(teeth, bumps, etc.)...




i know that
all mothers
must feel
this way
but each
day i am
so overwhelmed
with love
for this little person
and each day
she gives me
100 reasons
to love her
even more.

thanks vee
for being
so awesome.

xo



note: awesome beetle & squirrel onesies from suzanne

dose of reality #3

strabismus [strəˈbɪzməs]
n. Strabismus is a condition in which the eyes do not point in
the same direction. It can also be referred to as a tropia or
squint.

i didn't
know
what that
word meant
until
december 23rd.
the day
grub and i
took vee
to
an ophthalmologist.



within
5 minutes
of the doctor
examining vee,
she said that
vee would
never see normally.
vee would
need surgery.
grub said
it felt like
being
punched in the gut.
it did.
i remember
the first thing
that i thought
when she said that
was
now she can never be
a pilot.
why would i care
about that?

. . . . .

i noticed
that
vee's eyes
had a tendency
to go
cross-eyed.
many of you
probably
noticed it too.
i worried
but
hoped that
that
it would pass.
hoped i was
overreacting.
as the months
progressed
i worried
more and more.
when
our pediatrician
called,
out of the blue,
and said
maybe we should
go see an
ophthalmologist
before we left
to mexico
i couldn't help
but wonder
if he worried about
the same thing.

before christmas
we went
to the doctor
that we now call
that crazy doctor,
not because her
prognosis was wrong
but because
she had
no bedside manner,
offered little hope
and
outdated
treatments
to fix
vee's eye problem.

after
we saw her
grub and i
could think
and talk
of nothing else.
we worried
and fretted.
i blamed myself.
perhaps
my bad genes
or
my traumatic labor
was the cause.

i started
to be shy
about posting
photos of her
when her
eyes looked
crossed.
especially
when people
close to me
made a comment
about
not liking
my favorite photo
of vee
i took
for
our christmas card
because
her eyes
were crossed.



the rational side
of me
thought
that this was
a small problem
in the great
scheme of things.
but the mother in me
dreaded
that people would
judge her,
think less of her...
that people would
see photos of her
and
just notice her eyes
instead of her.
stupid,
i know.



i found myself
staring at her eyes,
searching
for a glimmer
of improvement...
looking at other babies
with their
perfectly-centered eyes
with jealousy.

i hated myself
for thoughts like that.

vee was still vee.
nothing had changed.
i reminded myself
of my dear friend
who wore braces on her legs
throughout
her childhood
and then grew up to be
an amazing
professional dancer.

i remembered
the last chapter
in the book
Bad Mother,
that my friend sent me
(a book all
new mothers
should read).
the author talks
about her own struggles
with her son's problems:

The most toxic thing parents can do is allow their delight and pride in their children to be spoiled by disappointment, by frustration when the children fail to live up to expectations formed before they were even born, expectations that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with the parents' own egos.

. . . . .

so we did what
most parents
would do...
we sought
a second opinion.

yesterday
we went
to the big hospital
in nearby lausanne
that specializes in
eye problems.
the chief medicine
specializes in
strabismus.
i was scared.
he looked mean
in his photo.



i didn't know
if i could deal
with another
insensitive
swiss doctor.

we headed out
on the train
early in the morning.



the hospital was
modern and
the nurses
were helpful.



we had
a much better
experience
this time around.
the staff was
competent,
sensitive,
and answered
the many questions
i asked
in broken french.



they were
impressed with
how
tranquille
vee was
and
repeatedly
called her
a bon bébé.

the doctor
was very kind
and examined
her carefully.
he played with vee
and called her
mignon.



he explained
things to us
and prepared us for
the
combattre
{his words}
ahead-
the things
we would need to do
to make sure
both vee's eyes
developed
and
the potential surgery
she may need before
she turns
one year old.

it's still
a scary thought.
but i think
we feel
a little more
prepared.
a little more equipped
to deal
with the road ahead
and help vee
the best we can.



i have learned
to forget
about what
others think
and focus on
just taking care of vee
and
her happiness
and well-being...
to
delight in her
cross-eyed
and all.

The thing to remember, in our quest to do the right by our children and by ourselves, is that while we struggle to conform to an ideal or to achieve a goal, our life is happening around us, without our noticing. If we are too busy or too anxious to pay attention, it will all be gone before we have time to appreciate it.

-Ayelet Waldman from Bad Mother

xo