dose of reality #3

strabismus [strəˈbɪzməs]
n. Strabismus is a condition in which the eyes do not point in
the same direction. It can also be referred to as a tropia or
squint.

i didn't
know
what that
word meant
until
december 23rd.
the day
grub and i
took vee
to
an ophthalmologist.



within
5 minutes
of the doctor
examining vee,
she said that
vee would
never see normally.
vee would
need surgery.
grub said
it felt like
being
punched in the gut.
it did.
i remember
the first thing
that i thought
when she said that
was
now she can never be
a pilot.
why would i care
about that?

. . . . .

i noticed
that
vee's eyes
had a tendency
to go
cross-eyed.
many of you
probably
noticed it too.
i worried
but
hoped that
that
it would pass.
hoped i was
overreacting.
as the months
progressed
i worried
more and more.
when
our pediatrician
called,
out of the blue,
and said
maybe we should
go see an
ophthalmologist
before we left
to mexico
i couldn't help
but wonder
if he worried about
the same thing.

before christmas
we went
to the doctor
that we now call
that crazy doctor,
not because her
prognosis was wrong
but because
she had
no bedside manner,
offered little hope
and
outdated
treatments
to fix
vee's eye problem.

after
we saw her
grub and i
could think
and talk
of nothing else.
we worried
and fretted.
i blamed myself.
perhaps
my bad genes
or
my traumatic labor
was the cause.

i started
to be shy
about posting
photos of her
when her
eyes looked
crossed.
especially
when people
close to me
made a comment
about
not liking
my favorite photo
of vee
i took
for
our christmas card
because
her eyes
were crossed.



the rational side
of me
thought
that this was
a small problem
in the great
scheme of things.
but the mother in me
dreaded
that people would
judge her,
think less of her...
that people would
see photos of her
and
just notice her eyes
instead of her.
stupid,
i know.



i found myself
staring at her eyes,
searching
for a glimmer
of improvement...
looking at other babies
with their
perfectly-centered eyes
with jealousy.

i hated myself
for thoughts like that.

vee was still vee.
nothing had changed.
i reminded myself
of my dear friend
who wore braces on her legs
throughout
her childhood
and then grew up to be
an amazing
professional dancer.

i remembered
the last chapter
in the book
Bad Mother,
that my friend sent me
(a book all
new mothers
should read).
the author talks
about her own struggles
with her son's problems:

The most toxic thing parents can do is allow their delight and pride in their children to be spoiled by disappointment, by frustration when the children fail to live up to expectations formed before they were even born, expectations that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with the parents' own egos.

. . . . .

so we did what
most parents
would do...
we sought
a second opinion.

yesterday
we went
to the big hospital
in nearby lausanne
that specializes in
eye problems.
the chief medicine
specializes in
strabismus.
i was scared.
he looked mean
in his photo.



i didn't know
if i could deal
with another
insensitive
swiss doctor.

we headed out
on the train
early in the morning.



the hospital was
modern and
the nurses
were helpful.



we had
a much better
experience
this time around.
the staff was
competent,
sensitive,
and answered
the many questions
i asked
in broken french.



they were
impressed with
how
tranquille
vee was
and
repeatedly
called her
a bon bébé.

the doctor
was very kind
and examined
her carefully.
he played with vee
and called her
mignon.



he explained
things to us
and prepared us for
the
combattre
{his words}
ahead-
the things
we would need to do
to make sure
both vee's eyes
developed
and
the potential surgery
she may need before
she turns
one year old.

it's still
a scary thought.
but i think
we feel
a little more
prepared.
a little more equipped
to deal
with the road ahead
and help vee
the best we can.



i have learned
to forget
about what
others think
and focus on
just taking care of vee
and
her happiness
and well-being...
to
delight in her
cross-eyed
and all.

The thing to remember, in our quest to do the right by our children and by ourselves, is that while we struggle to conform to an ideal or to achieve a goal, our life is happening around us, without our noticing. If we are too busy or too anxious to pay attention, it will all be gone before we have time to appreciate it.

-Ayelet Waldman from Bad Mother

xo