dose of reality #1

it's 4am
and
ironically
i am up
because
i cannot sleep.
i am worried
about vee.
so i figured
this would
be a good time
to catch up
on
the last
2 weeks
of vee
in mexico.

vee has been
sick for over
a week now.
we have had
the parenthood fun
of already visiting
a doctor in
another foreign
country.
i won't go
into
too much detail
but suffice
as to say
she caught a virus
and has had
an upset stomach.
in almost
every way
she seems fine...
she is good spirits
and seems
hydrated enough
but
her diaper
tells
a different
story,
if you know
what i mean.

parenthood
is a lot
about worrying
i have discovered.
i was
already
a master
in the worrying
department
so you can
imagine
it has now kicked
into overdrive.
you find yourself
worrying
that
everything
you do is
somehow
going to have
an adverse effect
on your baby.
you make
a mistake
and feel like
you are failing
your child.
you feel like
a bad mother.
i feel that
every day.

i am constantly
amazed how much
unsolicited advice
we get
about parenting.
people are constantly
telling us
what we should be doing.
what we are doing wrong.
i feel this
the most
poignantly
here in mexico.

we shouldn't put
a fan on vee
to keep her cool.

we should feed her
coconut water
to keep her hydrated.

we shouldn't
take her out
during the day
because
it's too hot.

and on
and on...

my friend deb
made a good point.
what parents need most
is reassurance,
not your advice.
they need to be told
that they
are doing a good job.
that they are
good parents
because most parents
are trying
their damnedest
to take the best
care of their children.
they make mistakes
but somehow
their children survive.
i know that
i need
that reassurance
from time to time.



breastfeeding
has been
really, really
hard here.
first,
vee is sick
so she needs
to keep hydrated
which means
i need to give her
more milk.
add onto that
that
i am dealing with
a hot climate,
breastfeeding,
and trying
to work
while i am here.
it's hard to pump
when you have
only a few
precious hours
to work
before it gets
too hot.
it's embarrassing
(i know that
it shouldn't be
but it is)
to tell
a bunch of mexican guys
that
you have to go off
for half an hour
while they are working
hard
to pump milk.
they already
treat me differently
because
i am a white woman
plus
my spanish
is currently
almost nonexistent
so i cannot
really talk to
most of them
to give them
some sense
of who i am.

i have pumped
sitting on a bucket
in the middle
of a mosquito
infested fields
i have pumped
in the truck
on the side
of mexican highways.
i have
not been able
to pump because
i forgot
extra batteries
or some piece of equipment
because i was
so tired at 5am
i didn't pack everything.
i have wanted
to burst
into tears
right
there
in the truck
in the middle of nowhere
because i failed
my daughter
who needs
that extra milk
so desperately.
i have not been
able to go to work
because
vee drank
all my extra milk
in the middle of the night.

i am not
writing
all this
because
i want a pity party.
i just
want to be
honest
about
how tough
it can be
so other mothers
don't somehow
get the picture
that
i am magically
juggling
all of this
with some sort
of grace and ease.
i am not.
i am struggling.
but
i am determined.

with
all that said
i still don't
regret
this trip
to mexico
with vee.
i hope that
we can look
back at photos
with her
and tell her
amusing stories.
it's been amazing
experience
so far.
the good
and the bad.

but
i am
still up
when i should
be sleeping
overwhelmed
by worry
and anxiety
about mistakes
i am making
in parenting her.

i suppose
when you
love someone
with every
ounce of
your being,
it's inevitable
that you feel this way.



well,
this is
me at 4am.
it deserves
a place
on this blog
with all
the glamorous
wee grub
sunset on the beach
photos.
at least
i think it does.
if you
have gotten
this far,
thank you
for
reading it.

xo