Tuesday, August 14, 2012

dose of reality #5

so tired of train rides

re·sil·ient /riˈzilyənt/
adjective:
(of a person or animal) 
able to withstand 
or recover quickly 
from 
difficult conditions.




vee will have
eye surgery
tomorrow morning.

s u r g e r y.

to say
that
i am in a controlled state
of panic tonight
would be
an understatement.

they tell me
that the surgery
is routine
but that is
of no comfort
to me.

let me explain.

Untitled

i have not had
a good experience
at hospitals here.
it may be a fluke
but
it is my reality.

everything that
could have gone wrong
with me
during vee's birth
pretty much went wrong.
despite that
vee was resilient.
she pulled through.

the worse part
of my whole hospital ordeal
was the feeling
of being
out of the loop-
out of control.
they did not tell us
anything
until
we were in the middle of it.
they made several
poor decisions.
the language barrier
and
our inability
to clearly communicate
with everyone
compounded the problem.
i worry
that something
similar
could happen with vee.



i remember
the medical team
running
down the corridors
to the operation room
with me on the gurney
for my emergency cesarean...
the epidural finally beginning
to make me lucid enough
to realize
that we may
lose our wee grub.
i remember
praying
with every ounce
of consciousness,
please let 
my baby make it. 
i don't care if i do 
but please god 
let my baby make it.



i can't tell you
how
many
times
these past 10+ months
i have put my hand
gently on her
in the middle of the night
to make sure
she is breathing
and
a brief moment
of panic
subsides
as i feel her belly
rise
and fall.

stabismus_docwithvee

during
the past months
of appointments
and examinations
i began
to feel a bit better
about medical treatment...
but in may
when the doctor said
it was time
to schedule the operation
i felt sick to my stomach
as the reality set in.

Untitled

grub and i believe that
this is the right decision.
since then
i have heard children
(and sometimes even adults)
say insensitive things
about her eyes
when they see her.
this has only cemented
my resolve.

Untitled

it does not lessen
my fear
and
my distrust
of the medical system.
i am trying to be positive.
i am trying not to choke.




i know
many many
parents
have gone through
far worse.
my heart
aches for them.
i understand
this fear and panic
is part of
the amazing love
and joy
of parenthood.

i know that
vee
is wise
and
stronger
than i am.
that keeps
me going.
i am sure
that her strength
will carry
all three of us
through
anything...

Untitled

please
keep vee
in your thoughts
and/or prayers
tomorrow.

xo

13 comments:

  1. I have been following your blog for some time, and I wanted you to know tonight that I am holding Vee and your whole family in my heart, with best wishes for a safe, smooth surgery. May all be well. Thank you so much for sharing your journey here.

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  2. I will be thinking of you and vee!! Good luck.

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  3. love you love you love you

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  4. Lots of love and prayers coming your way from us. You are in our thoughts, and In our dreams while we sleep. I hope everything goes smoothly, but I also know you have the resilience to handle things when they don't go smoothly. Even when it all feels completely overwhelming!

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  5. Of course I will keep all my fingers crossed. She will be fine.

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  6. This precious little girl is always in my thoughts and tonoc through my tears she is in my prayers.

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  7. hey there. I am already and will continue to send lots of good, healing peaceful thoughts. all will be ok. you and vee and grub will do great.
    lots of love from all of us.

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  8. I will be thinking about the three of you all day tomorrow---good wishes and prayers for beautiful Wee Vee from Alaska. Children have the most profound abilities to heal and bounce back! Take care of yourself tomorrow, too---deep breaths, drink tea and make sure you eat. She will need you to be calm and strong for her so when she wakes up, she'll feel safe and know everything is okay. <3

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  9. We'll be thinking of you all day!
    B.R.A.M.

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  10. All of you are in my thoughts today. xo

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  11. Such difficult choices - such terrible worry. I have been thinking of you all. The challenges of being a parent sometimes seem insurmountable but the rewards are always greater.

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  12. Praying for all of you, and especially la petite Vee! You are such an amazing mom, G! I wish we lived closer to each other!

    Bises de Tulsa, OK,

    Danielle

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thanks so much
for stopping by...
hope to see you again
soon.
xo